Life with two requires a juggling act you can try to perfect but don’t bother. It’s all freestyle folks. It’s darn good freestyle. There are days when it all seems a little too easy…Like “maybe we should try for more kids” easy. Other days where you just can’t figure out the juggle of the newborn in the stroller and the kid hanging off the back…I keep stubbing my toe and running the stroller into large objects like walls and street posts. It’s obvious I’m still getting my bearings.
This morning I hit a different kind of wall, a wall of emotions and a need to step back a sec. Zoë is fighting for attention. She’s always been a child who needs a lot of attention and that we have always given her being that she was our only. More lately, because we tried so hard to avoid exactly this behavior – jealousy. She’s angry. The worst kind of angry too, the very female kind of angry where she says she’s not angry and loves the baby, but then if looks could kill. She’s angry that our world has forever changed. It’s no longer just the 3 of us anymore. She’s angry that all the attention towards her is now divided. I love this picture of her above, her joy lights up a room. This was taken before Skye was born and it brakes my heart that this wasn’t the look I got this morning. Zoë found out that I stay up with the baby to feed her when everyone else is sleeping and I could see in her eyes the burning annoyance. The person she’s most angry with is me. In her eyes I was the one that brought the baby into our world, so it’s my fault. Michael isn’t to blame. The doctor told me this would happen and to be ready to have my heart-broken as this would be the first time my child was truly resentful towards me. I thought I would get lucky.
Today, I felt angry with her as well. I need her to be good. I need her to be helpful. I need her to be o.k. It’s not about me though. Zoë is the one that needs me. She needs me to remind her how much I love her. She needs me to be there for her. She needs me to make her feel like she’s still my number 1, even though there are 2 now. She needs me. This is why I step back, so I can see the bigger picture and see it from her eyes. To move the “wall” out of my way and be better at parenting. It’s not easy. It’s not all coming to me like second nature. Sure there are things I know how to do like caring for the baby and caring for the 4-year-old, but now I am learning how to manage the emotions of the 4-year-old. That’s going to be a lifelong lesson right there. This is it. I’m in the game now. This is when all that I was taught from my mother really comes into play. Now it’s my turn to be understanding and patient. Now it’s my turn to let the hits bounce off and be the wiser.
Welcome to Motherhood.